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Post by kayan on Jun 12, 2006 4:07:35 GMT -5
Kayan shook his head, knocking the spoon and causing a loud clatter as he stood. "I will not become your burden." He hissed. "I will not become anyone's burden or responsibility. I can take care of myself. Maybe not in a manner most would 'APROVE'," He spat the word, "of. But I'm still alive am I not?"
Kayan trembled, glaring at Light in anger, confused feelings and stubborn pride pushing him onwards. "Who are you to tell me what I need? What the fuck do you know? What makes you think I don’t WANT people touching me? That I don't ENJOY it?" Kayan's anger made him say rash and stupid things he did not mean in a desperate attempt to salvage what little pride remained. "I CHOSE it after all." His voice was filled with deep ingrained bitterness. "It's not like anyone..." Kayan's voice hitched, unnoticed by himself before he continued. "forced me or anything! So...so..." Kayan was taking deep breaths as a result of his over-emotional state. "Take me home! NOW!"
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 12, 2006 7:47:46 GMT -5
Light kept his back to the boy, washing dishes and pondering. It angered him that the boy could stand there and so blatantly lie to try and get himself put back on Earth. Well it wasn't going to happen. He'd seen the way the man had forced Kayan into the car the other night, despite the humans claims, and he couldn't believe any person enjoyed recieving money that way. "I will not," he said dryly, keeping his anger in check. "Where you were is barely a home, there was no warmth and you were barely living so I don't need to hear that. Who am I.....?" He let that hang off for a second, his own mind thinking.
"I, dear heart, am your mate," he growled and began shoving dishes away, his robes half restricting his movement to do even that, to show even that small bit of anger. There, he had told him what his mind and body had suspected from the first moment he saw Kayan. The boy would never accept it, that he knew that. Kayan was too skeptical about things. But he was going to work at it.
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Post by kayan on Jun 12, 2006 14:52:09 GMT -5
"Mate?" Kayan snorted in derision. "What, like some kind of 'animal'? Am I an animal now? So whore is not enough, now I have to be an animal?" Kayan taunted, knowing he was overstepping his bounds but doing it anyway, in an attempt to hide the pull he felt from the statement, the sheer confirmation of truth that something within him demanded he acknowledge but he certaily was not willing to let go of control in such a manner. "So you do want to have sex with me. It's always about sex isn't it?"
Kayan walked around the table in order to stand closer to Light wanting Light to turn around, wanting Light's attention. he was hurting, hurting from what Light said, promised, implied. "What do yo uknow about my home?" he snarled. "It takes everything I have in order to survive, in order to pay for it. It may not be much but at least it's mine. It's mine!" Kayan stressed the point as he had had very good fortune and he had rather been proud of the day he could afford to sleep anywhere other than on a park bench.
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 12, 2006 23:49:11 GMT -5
Light winced. He hadn't meant to set him off.....He let his hands brace on the sink and stared at murky water caught in the basin. "Not an animal....you're never an animal in my eyes. But to others who can use you as such, then why not?" He didn't have any answers for the boy. He couldn't deny the comment about sex, though he preferred to call it making love. It was required in the claiming process. But he wasn't about to let Kayan know that. "I never intended anything about sex when I took you....unless you want something, I won't ask to force it on you." He finally turned away from the sink only to be met with Kayan glaring at him.
"I didn't mean to imply that it wsn't yours and that it was anything by the best you had. I just...." He sighed and rubbed at his temples, Kayan's anger cracking his shields. "Nevermind. You don't want to hear me without arguing so I won't speak. Thank you for the delicious food. You are a great cook and i'm more than grateful." Escaping, he brushed by him. The comment about his being the boys mate had been pushed aside without so much as a glance. That hurt and he slipped into his chair in the cockpit, arms crossing as he brooded.
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Post by kayan on Jun 13, 2006 3:49:56 GMT -5
Kayan hissed in pain, tempted to lash out from the raw pain and anger coursing through him. Light had just called him and animal, had just told him that. Not directly but how else was he supposed to interpret that comment. The comment that told Kayan that Kayan had himself lowered himself to animal status by allowing others to touch him as such. He didn’t know where the deep coursing pain was coming from buy Kayan felt as if he was dying. Silent tears poured down his face as he attempted to continue to glare through the sudden blur, hands clenched, finger tails digging into his palms.
"You're a bastard! You know that!" Kayan called after him, his voice strained and full of pain. " What the fuck do you know!?" Unable to say any more, unable to bear his own weakness any further, Kayan stormed out the kitchen, back into the room he had initially found himself in and slammed the door shut. Sitting down on the bed he finally released the sob of grief and pain blindly grabbing a pillow and tossing it with all his strength at the wall, wanting to scream and rave... Wanting anything just to ease the pain.
Why? Why did what Light thought mean so much to him? Why did the mere comment hurt so much? He felt judged. He felt judged, tried and found lacking. He should have expected as much. He had thought as much about himself and yet… he still could not stop the flood of pain and disappointment within him. He knew it was irrational. He knew he had pushed Light to it but this knowledge did not change the fact that he hurt, that for the first time in his life he truly loathed himself and everything that he was.
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 13, 2006 7:02:18 GMT -5
Light felt horrible. He never talked back to anyone else that way, never looked to hurt someone. And he hadn't meant to hurt Kayan, was just trying to get through to the boy. Everyone seemed to be against him at thie moment-eveything in the universe because there was no way he was going to be able to reach Kayan. Well, he'd just have to try wouldn't he? Light stood back up from his brooding and went to the bedroom door, leaning his silver head against it. He heard the sobs and his chesat ached. Whatever Kayan had called him....he definately was. Sighing, feeling Kayan's discomfort across his empathy he knocked gently.
"Kayan...? I'm sorry...I didn't mean to say those things. I was just...angry and you...please don't cry." He jiggled the knob on the door a bit, no expecting to get an answer much less have the door open. He kept his forehead to the wood, trying to catch every tiny sound.
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Post by kayan on Jun 13, 2006 15:21:35 GMT -5
Kayan continued to sob, ignoring the sounds coming from it, not really registering them in his misery. Kayan had not locked the door when he had stormed in. he had merely stormed in and made his way to the bed, not even thinking to look for a locking mechanism. He rocked on the bed, arms wrapped around him, hating both himself and the world, allowing himself to fall deeper into self pity than he had allowed in a long time, having no other choice presented to him. He couldn’t even go out and whore himself out in an effort to get physical pain to cloud the emotional pain... He was trapped, both within and without. Emotions he had long denied existence coming to the fore, demanding acknowledgement and turning his inner self upside-down, forcing him to live once more where he had simply allowed himself to die out in order to protect his own sanity.
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 14, 2006 7:09:24 GMT -5
Again he jiggled the handle and was happy to see the door crack open. He pushed it open, his mood disppating with the state of the human on the bed. He cursed under his breath and left the door to sit on the bed. Before he could stop himself he was leaning forward, arms wrapping around the boy from behind. Ever so gently he pushed calming waves into Kayan, trying to soothe him and stop the tears. His fingers brushed at wet cheeks, his blue hands framing a thing face. "I'm sorry.....you survived the only way you knew how and for that, I respect you. please don't hurt anymore..." He converted his voice to be appropriate for the dull lighting and saddened mood of the room.
Continuing his serving he gently rocked Kayan, eyes closing as he worked his fingers across his temple, gaining direct access to where he needed to press the emotion waves through.
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Post by kayan on Jun 14, 2006 7:46:05 GMT -5
Kayan began to calm not really understanding how or why but grateful for it non the less. He didn't want to feel. He didn't want the shame, the self hatred. He had spent many years trying to cultivate a barrier, trying to hide what he really felt in order to make what he had to do easier.
Kayan tensed when he suddenly realised where he was and how close to Light he was. He felt an unfamiliar rush of warmth and comfort run from him and finally pinpointed the source as Light... and if not Light directly then his own reaction to Light. He felt a sudden attraction. One he could neither explain nor understand. Kayan shifted away, not sure if he wanted this. he had never felt anything for any of his clients. never felt anything for anyone and he suspected it would complicate things.
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 14, 2006 21:41:56 GMT -5
Light let him shift away, not wanting to press his affections onto the boy without his direct permission. Instead he pulled his legs onto the bed and folded them. All the while he put out calming waves. his empathy did not need to be direct contact. He could fill the air with things. If he was to totally calm a person then it was direct contact but he suspected Kayan was calmed enough.
Warmth rushed into him from Kayan and from his own feelings for the human boy. He sighed and leaned back a little. "I'm sorry for what I said....I was just angry. I don't believe the stuff I said.....you do your best and for that I'm proud to know you..." Except, he didn't really know him. He'd like to get to know him, would like Kayan to accept that they were mates...
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Post by kayan on Jun 15, 2006 4:34:10 GMT -5
Kayan shrugged his pain no longer sharp, dulled to the background. However, along with that came sarcastic self derision, melancholy and sheer jaded bitterness, all kept in check by the feeling of warmth and calm that he could feel from the very air around him. "You didn't say anything that wasn't true." Kayan responded dully, staring unseeingly before him, arms wrapped around his knees.
Kayan was emotionally exhausted and mentally run down. Since meeting Light, he had felt more than he had allowed himself to accumulatively feel over years. He no longer cared to feel enough to feel confused, suppressing his emotion lest the unfamiliarity thereof drive him insane. So he closed himself off and allowed everything to fade to a dull ache which he had learnt to ignore, using the reprieve from emotional upheaval that Light had granted him in order to do so.
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 15, 2006 8:36:46 GMT -5
"Yes I did," he smiled bitterly, " and it doesn't matter if all of it was truths or not, I had no right to say it. I don't know you enough yet to make petty judgements. I just want you to see things my way but I don't even have the right to ask that." Sighing he leaned back against the headboard for a second. "The only truths I can speak, and backup are my promises to you. Iwill protect you and keep you happy, warm. You don't ever have to work again that is.....um...assuming you didn't like what you did..." He stared at the boy.
"You didn't, did you? Like it, that is," his words were quiet. He'd seen the bruises and cuts. Light didn't know of anyone who could simply enjoy getting hurt so bad....and he didn't believe Kayan was a masochist....
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Post by kayan on Jun 15, 2006 8:44:33 GMT -5
Kayan shivered, suddenly cold at Light's words. He uncontiously rubbed at his arms in an attempt to warm himself somewhat, eyes distant and deep in thought. He shrugged. No, he had not enjoyed it. Never. Only he had ignored the fact for the longest time. He couldn't bring himself to vocalise the sheer disgust that crawled over his skin at the thought of doing it again. The feeling that was there each and every time. The feeling Kayan had wished would just die... along with his damned soul for making such a choice. "Does it matter?" He enquired dully. "If I liked it or not? I still did it and would do it again."
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Post by Light Yefran on Jun 15, 2006 9:15:25 GMT -5
Light shrugged. "I think it matters. Everythign about you matters Kayan." He scowled and sat up a bit, feeling the tension rise in the air again. His waves weren't doing their job. "Well you're not going to have to do it. If money's what you need to help you along...." He sighed, " Then i'll offer you a job on this little vacation. As you've seen before, I suck terribly at cooking. If you go along and cook for me, then i'll pay you a set wage. Then you'll have money and you don't need to sleep with men for it." It was the only thing he could offer to get the boys mind off of horrible thoughts. He wanted to kiss him and cuddle him and make it all better but Kayan was curled so far in on himself he wasn't sure that was a good idea....
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Post by kayan on Jun 15, 2006 9:36:36 GMT -5
Kayan turned to stare at him out of surprised midnight eyes. Sudden realization bringing him to shame. He paled. "What have I done?" He whispered horrified. "Why didn't I think of that?" His body trembled in shock and distress... "I could have tried that so long ago." Kayan's voice hitched... "Maybe... maybe someone would have hired me... but I'm not good enough for that am I?" Kayan's gaze pleaded with Light to tell him that he was not good enough... that that had not been an option open to him. That he had not demeaned himself, his beliefs and everything he was in vein... but then again... Cooking had been a skill he had acquired after he had started whoring himself out. Before that he had not had money for ingredients, never mind utensils. It was also a skill he had acquired over time and not one he had started out with. He, however, did not see this. All he saw was the fact that he had been selling himself when he might have tried apprenticing himself to a restaurant somewhere or something.
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